Friday, 31 July 2020

Thank God We didn't Elect Jeremy Corbyn!

Statement by Prime Minister Boris Johnson who you can follow on Twitter here.

Good afternoon, Britain, I, Prime Minister Boris, um, Johnson, am proud to be addressing you on this fine day in my usual erratic style of placing emphasis on random words in a failed attempt to display gravitas.

Today is a proud day indeed, for my leading scientific adviser (Dominic Cummings) says we have finally succeeded in getting the "R" number back to one. While many of you may be concerned about the coming death toll, I would like to assure you, our measures are protecting the profits of Wetherspoons and other companies. This is one of the reasons the people of Manchester are not allowed to invite friends to their gardens, but are absolutely welcome to meet them in the local pub. In difficult times, we need a leader who can make tough decisions like sacrificing the plebs to safeguard corporations. My only regret is that we locked down at all.

Many of you have pointed out the disproportionate number of Covid-19 deaths among BAME communities, so I must clarify this is entirely their fault. If the letterboxes and piccaninnies followed my government guidelines (which were ignored by Dominic Cummings), they would all be alive today, probably. Remember, the next time you see a brown person, yell: "The pandemic's all your fault, you foreign bastard!" 

Please don't consider for a second, the enormous contribution BAME people have made to the NHS and care services. It's like World War 2 all over again - we will demand they make sacrifices and give them no credit whatsoever.

During the pandemic, Britain has unfortunately experienced the worst excess death toll in Europe at around 80,000 so far. Now remember, as leader of this country, I bear absolutely no responsibility for this catastrophe. None whatsoever. No one could have seen this coming, not even the scientists who repeatedly warned us to stock up on PPE and lockdown earlier. 

It is an unfortunate circumstance that Britain was one of the last countries hit by Covid and had one of the longest periods in which to prepare, especially when you consider the pandemic interrupted my holiday in Mustique and the birth of my fake baby.

Imagine someone fucked up so badly at work they killed 80,000 people and almost died themselves from their own carelessness. Now imagine they were greeted as a hero for surviving and the dead were barely mentioned. That's what happened to me and it's why I love this brilliant country. 
Posh, Eton-educated idiots can get away with anything, even genocide, but a leftie can't say the word "peace" without being denounced as a traitor. And rightfully so.
Now if you are one of the few people unhappy with my government's response, just look at New Zealand which is led by loony leftie Jacinda Ardern. They've only had about 12 deaths and all of those unfortunate people could still be alive today, if they never elected a bloody socialist. It's a disgrace. If Britain elected Jeremy Corbyn as Prime Minister, I have absolutely no doubt he would've prioritised science in the same irresponsible way Jacinda Ardern did. Perish the thought.

And let's not forget Jeremy Corbyn is a terrible racist. A racist who's never said anything racist in his whole life, but a racist nonetheless. Fortunately, Britain is led by a man who uses racial slurs like "piccaninnie" and "coon" and leads a party which gave us Windrush and Grenfell. That party leader would be me, of course. Jeremy Corbyn, on the other hand, did unforgivable things like get arrested protesting apartheid.

Please remember, any racism which affects real people in real life is not actual racism. The only racism that counts is the made up kind which we can use to attack the left. And I'm proud to say, we've made up a lot of racism for the Labour Party. Don't dare point this out though, because we'll find one of the real incidents of racism and then call you a racism denier.

Jeremy Corbyn really should've taken a leaf out of my book - instead of introducing tough rules to tackle antisemitism, he should've dismissed the problem like I did with Islamophobia. This is a perfectly acceptable response when a tiny minority of your party (60%) is Islamophobic. Might have been more difficult for Labour though, what with their antisemitic 0.05% of their party.

Labour antisemitism was quite rightly a national scandal, whereas Tory racism doesn't even happen, apart from every single day from our MPs on TV who blame foreigners for everything that we don't blame poor people for.
 
If Labour were in government now, they would've already bankrupted the country with their crazy spending plans which were actually about 1/10th of my government's current spending plans. Don't worry though, Britain can't go bankrupt on our watch because our billionaire friends are keeping our money safe in Panama. 

This is why it was perfectly fine for the Tories to borrow more since 2010 than every Labour government combined. That's more than all Labour governments in history put together. This is really true according to those lefties at the Office of National Statistics.

If ever there is a major national crisis, I'm absolutely certain the generous billionaires will bail us out. They would never, for example, ask the tax payer to bail them out and then sack their workers anyway. Billionaires are the moral arbiters of our society and that's the way it should stay. 

Thank goodness we have philanthropist Rupert Murdoch to choose our Prime Ministers on our behalf. I dread to think what would happen if the mindless plebs were allowed to make their own decisions. They might start demanding silly things like equality. And remember equality would be completely unaffordable - unlike the £900,000 paint job which made my plane my favourite colours. Jeremy Corbyn would've probably used that money to feed the school kids who raid bins for scraps of food. Bloody idiot.

And let's not forget Corbyn wanted to end homelessness. Just think about that for a moment. If we ended homelessness, the working class plebs would have no one to look down on, apart from foreigners, and they wouldn't have people to fear becoming like, apart from foreigners. 

How would we keep the plebs in their place without the constant fear they might lose their homes? We temporarily ended homelessness during the pandemic, overnight, just like that, and it was horrible. Let's never go back to ending homeless again.

Now I have a vision for Britain. And it's a grand vision. A vision which includes an incredible post-Brexit trade deal with the US to unleash Britain's world beating potential. We just need to get Brexit done and then we can get on with the job of importing chlorinated chicken, which I can assure you is definitely not going to happen. We are not going to lower food standards (just quietly abolish them without telling you). 

I can also assure you the NHS is definitely not for sale. With that in mind, my party voted down a measure to protect the NHS from the US trade deal and negotiations are well under way to sell it off. If anyone talks about this, just denounce them as a traitor who is siding with Russia. (Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance, which is a fancy way of calling you puppets.)

Siding with Russia is what Jeremy Corbyn did. The man is a threat to national security, whereas I only went and culled 80,000 of you because I couldn't be bothered to do my job. It's absolutely treasonous to share genuine documents which proved my government were doing bad things which we promised we weren't doing. I might bring back hanging to stop lefties talking about this. 
My government should be free to receive bribes from Russian oligarchs and sell the NHS without your consent because we're better than you. We went to Eton after all.
Our sense of superiority and entitlement is one of the key reasons you live in a country where children are making soup from stolen tomato sauce sachets. Remember, child hunger is great for generating entrepreneurial spirit. My government has taken the impressive step of housing homeless families in shipping containers which are scorching in summer and freezing in winter. This is a real thing. Google it, if you don't believe me.

Ten thousand children a year are being treated for malnutrition but we simply don't think this figure is high enough. This is why we wanted to starve kids during the summer holidays, but then some footballer called Marcus Rashford went and generated public sympathy for the little scamps. Good grief. We're not supposed to be a caring nation, unless we're lecturing oil-rich countries on human rights and making plans to bomb decency into them.

Clearly, the Tory way is the right way. 

Just think how terrible Britain would be today if you lot defied Rupert Murdoch and thought for yourselves in December 2019. You could've elected a Prime Minister who adopted a scientific approach to Covid-19, reducing deaths by up to 99%. This in turn would've meant all the money we spent on correcting our Covid catastrofuck could've been spent on the Labour manifesto. This would've meant you would've personally benefited, rather than rich people like my friend Tim Martin. 

It gets worse, remember when we ended homelessness overnight? That could have been made permanent. And food could've been made a human right, ending foodbank use and child hunger. Britain could've even focused on saving the world from the climate catastrophe. 

Instead, you can expect to be eating chlorinated chicken in 2021 and paying a very high hospital bill when it poisons you. If you think that sounds bad, just wait until 2022 when you're trapping rats and catching rain water in the post-Brexit apocalypse. If you are fortunate enough to live that long, please remember to tell the last of humanity, it could have been so much worse. We could have elected Jeremy Corbyn.

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