Monday, 5 October 2020

Who Fancies Overthrowing Capitalism?

Who fancies overthrowing capitalism?

Now those words alone might be enough to get me banned from every school in the country and put on a government watch list. That's probably not an exaggeration either. 

The Tories recently issued guidelines to schools that they must not use material from any author/organisation with anti-capitalist views, even if the material itself is fine, because such use would constitute an endorsement of extremism. I'm not sure whether they realise they've just banned Albert Einstein and George Orwell...

On top of that idiocy, people are being put on government watch lists for actions as "extreme" as attending Black Lives Matter or Extinction Rebellion protests, because such events tend to attract those with anti-capitalist views. 

Using your democratic right to speak up can put you on a government watch list. In other words, speaking up is extremism now. Same goes for critical thinking. That's where we're at.

The same people (Tories) who rail against "cancel culture" and scream that universities are "hotbeds of socialism," insist they're "protecting democracy" by clamping down on anyone who disagrees with their economic model. If you think there might be a better way of doing things than Thatcherism - which let's face it, has led us nowhere in 40 years - you are a "crank" and an "extremist," but only if you're vocal about it. 

The Tories are protecting the pluralistic concept of democracy by silencing anyone who might disagree with them! No wonder they love their cheerleader Sir Keir Starmer... But anyways, enough of the silly headline and melodramatic opening, I don't want to get banned from any schools or disappeared if I say too much. 

I didn't mean any of that, Mr MI5 Person who is monitoring my online activity, honest. I mean no one in their right mind would want to overthrow capitalism, right?

Let's be serious here: 

Capitalism built this great nation, eliminated poverty, and made life so incredibly easy for everyone. Surely no one, apart from a thought criminal, could deny Thatcher changed Britain for the better... 

Ever since we stopped building those awful socialist council estates and the rich people bought all the housing stock, UK living standards have improved dramatically. For example, today's youth now have the luxury of giving 50% of their income to a landlord and struggling to cover extortionate utility bills with the other 50%. Every year or two, they're forced to move house, meaning they don't have anywhere to call home. They can't even redecorate or keep pets, and the day they're forced to leave against their will, their landlord keeps their entire deposit because a light bulb needs to be replaced.

There is no other option available to most young people, but that's obviously their fault because they never fought in a world war or something. I mean their landlord didn't fight in a world war either, but he's allowed an opinion because he's a wealthy capitalist. 

Young people need to shut the fuck up and make their landlords rich!

We've redefined the post-war consensus.

Back in the days of social democracy, we agreed to take care of each other because we believed that no one should be left behind in a country where others had laid down their lives to preserve freedom. We understood society was about taking everyone with us. We called this the post-war consensus, but now we've thankfully changed our mind about that ridiculous do-gooder nonsense. We've decided people can't complain about being left behind because that's exactly what our grandfathers died for - inequality.

Before we redefined the post-war consensus to mean inequality, there were plenty of council houses - even the Tories were keen on building them. Can you believe that? Plus, mortgages were like six times more affordable, if you compared house prices to median income, but then everyone became lazy and lost the desire to save up, according to the wealthiest baby-boomers. Even worse, all the immigrants came and stole our council houses, then forced the neoliberals to stop building new ones. Those bastards. 

Please note: I'm still unclear whether Generation Me needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror, or blame the refugee family up the road who fled that country we just bombed. For now, I'll go with refugee blaming, but the moment Priti Patel (whose rules would've deported her own grandparents) dumps all those refugees on Ascension Island, we can happily blame Generation Me for the bad decisions made by previous generations. Or maybe I'll just blame them now actually. Sounds fair.

How dare those kids fuck everything up before they were even born!

I'm not even sure what Generation Me is whining about anyways... Back in my day (aged 7), I had a black and white TV in my bedroom which didn't even have a flat screen, so clearly today's youth don't know what poverty feels like when they're visiting food banks. Ungrateful shits. 

Why can't they just work extra hours, if they want to buy themselves extravagant stuff like food? It's not like we put them on zero hours contracts and class them as employed if they work two hours a fortnight, then get mad at them for supplementing their income with Universal Credit. 

All they need to do is sell their state-of-the-art mobile phone with the cracked screen (which the Jobcentre says they must have to attend appointments) for £12 at Mazuma and they'll be able to buy like six houses... But no, they'd rather go to PretaManger and buy a fancy latte and some toast with avocado on. The Daily Mail told me so.

Generation Me should definitely stop going to PretaManger, but also, it's their patriotic duty to continue going to PretaManger on their way to work during a pandemic and risk their lives to save a capitalist institution, because we're only fans of a "free market" when things are going well. When they're going badly, we'll hold a fucking gun to your head and make you walk through fire so the poor landlords don't miss out on their unearned income. 

Stop complaining, snowflakes! My granddad did something heroic in a war 80 years ago so it's my patriotic right to treat you like shit and invalidate your concerns. That's why we fought two World Wars - to protect fascism. Please keep up.

No other economic model could possibly work.

I mean it's not like there is an alternative economic model that's proven to work better than neoliberalism. Well there is - the Scandinavian model - so we'll just switch between acting like that model doesn't exist and pretending we're fans of it, while making sure none of its key aspects are ever implemented. If you mention that sounds fucking stupid, we'll just call you an extremist again. We're the grownups in the room.

The Scandinavian model of social democracy is just capitalism actually, which is why it's brilliant, but also, we won't be implementing the Scandinavian model in the UK because we already have capitalism, so there's no need. 

See what we did there? We just pretended both systems were the same to confuse you, you politically illiterate idiots! Please remember to call anyone we didn't fool a "crank" though. We love ableism.

Remember, we support the Scandinavian model because it's capitalism, but if you want to implement Nordic-style social programs, you can't, because that would be socialism and it would turn us into Venezuela - the "failed state" which adopted Nordic social democracy and was punished by us with crippling sanctions. We also stole £2 billion worth of gold, scared off international investors, and then blamed its democratically-elected leader for the food shortages we deliberately caused, but we're the good guys. That's why we pointed to civil unrest as an excuse to try and assassinate Maduro (even though the civil unrest in France was much worse), and then we declared some conservative guy as Venezuela's rightful leader, even though 90% of Venezuelans have never heard of him and neither had we! We didn't even ask the Venezuelan people to decide their next leader - we decided for them, or at least tried to, because he was going to let us take Venezuela's oil. 

Did I mention Venezuela has the world's largest oil reserves?

Oil obviously wasn't the real justification for the attempted assassination and regime change though, that would be the human rights abuses we can't actually prove but are definitely true. Just don't ask why we call Saudi Arabia our "friend and ally" when they are actually the worst human rights abusers on planet Earth. They chop heads off in public squares, treat women like cattle, and publicly lash children who dare to misbehave. We're much better than them though. We observe human rights and do sensible things like jail an internationally-renowned, award-winning journalist who exposed the war crimes and human rights abuses that we're honestly not guilty of, despite Assange embarrassing us with proof otherwise. Can't wait till the Americans poison him. Fucking traitor.

Socialism is just another word for authoritarianism, whereas capitalism means respecting democracy, fundamental freedoms and human rights. These principles are what enabled us to become the richest and most powerful nation on Earth for a while - nothing to do with us conquering, plundering and enslaving 90% of the world's nations. We forced slaves to build our country and got rich from the resources of the countries we conquered, but remember, no other economic model can work and socialism kills. Socialism is actual tyranny. That's why we overthrow democratically-elected leaders like Evo Morales when they don't allow our corporations to steal their lithium reserves. But we're totally good with fascists like Jair Bolsonaro and Viktor Orban. We only overthrow socialists, I mean tyrants.

If you doubt that socialism is terrible for one second, just remember, authoritarian dictator Joseph Stalin let millions of people in Russia starve while the heroic Winston Churchill let millions of people in Ireland and Bangladesh starve. Now can you see why capitalism is so much better?

Not only are socialists dangerous fascist thugs who crave authoritarianism, but they're also do-gooder snowflakes who need safe spaces and care about silly things like the environment. They even think the air we breathe matters and are totally opposed to rich people polluting it. Fucking loonies.

Lefties love to complain about the "climate crisis" and tell us capitalism is destroying the planet, but they completely fail to see the free market is the only way to save the planet. You see, the climate crisis isn't real, but it also is real, and if we just deregulate every corporation and let them do what they want, they will put the profit motive to one side and do the right thing. 

Let me explain: The only thing stopping corporations doing the right thing now is the laws that make them do the right thing! We need to cut red tape which forces them to do the right thing so they can do the right thing. Please try to keep up.

Now the capitalist excesses of Britain and America may be responsible for the overwhelming majority of greenhouse gases produced by industrialisation, but the climate crisis (which isn't real) is actually China's fault, even though they're investing more in renewables than we are. China is a communist country, meaning they are dangerous lefties, but the moment someone mentions China has the world's fastest growing economy, we must obviously credit capitalism. 

We actually call China a capitalist country when praising it and a communist country when criticising it. This means capitalism is always shown in a good light and communism in a bad light. Clever, right?

Please don't mention, the one thing our leaders have in common with China is they are chosen by unelected and unaccountable figures behind the scenes. We call it authoritarianism when the Chinese do this, but when Rupert Murdoch chooses our next puppet leader, we call it democracy. 

Democracy means pretending ordinary people have power so the plebs don't bother to revolt against the establishment. You have to admit, that's preferable to the Chinese approach of running people over with tanks and squishing them like pizza toppings. We really deserve more credit from these Generation Me lefties, not that any credit seems forthcoming. Perhaps a few tanks are in order, after all.

The problem with kids these days is they want everything for free.

Back in the day, people went to university to better themselves (for free) and worked damn hard to escape poverty, but kids today, they whine about being crippled by student debt, even though most of them will never pay it back, because they'll never earn enough money to pay it back! What happened to aspiration? Oh yeah, it went into the pockets of the landlords who bought all the housing stock.

Western societies should be meritocratic places where the finest people rise to the top, like Donald J. Trump who inherited billions from his father and still managed to get declared bankrupt six times.

Please be warned, lefties want to do crazy things like introduce a Universal Basic Income - and this would be complete madness. We should never give money away, apart from the billions we give to private contractors who seem to fuck everything up like Serco, or the multinationals who are already stupidly rich like Apple. The problem is, if we gave money to poor people instead of the rich, it would boost economic activity, reduce poverty and stop all that money mysteriously disappearing to Panama. The money would actually stay in our economy, rather than be lost forever, but we pretend it's the other way around and hope you're stupid enough to believe it. There's a simple reason why: the free market should only mean freedom for the rich, not the poor. 

Fuck the will of the people.

So yeah, those ungrateful kids, Generation Me, somehow believe they can actually overthrow capitalism. Good job they're a tiny minority. It's not like voters of working age - people who actually work for a living - voted for Jeremy Corbyn's socialist manifesto at the last general election in 2019. Okay, they did actually, by a majority of 4 points, but that's only because they are ignorant and uninformed. They'd rather stare at their smart phone thingies than be brainwashed by the mainstream media which is controlled by six billionaires. Naive simpletons.

Only the mainstream media tells you the truth about "the least racist country on Earth" which is why we must crackdown on social media users who disagree with Laurence Fox. Remember, billionaires will always act in your interests so there is no need to ever think critically or use the internet to fact check anything. You do not need to know, for example, the Tories spent more money in a decade than every Labour government in history combined. Twice as much actually. But don't worry, that money went exactly where it was needed - to the shareholders of the private companies which run our public services (into the ground). This is why privatisation is a great thing. There was a time when tax money went directly into public services, rather than shareholders' pockets and it was truly, truly terrible. Nationalisation was so wasteful and inefficient because it wasn't giving money away, even though we always complain that socialism means giving money away. We're experts at double-think.

If you still remain unconvinced, just look at the nationalised public services in northern Europe - they're only the best in the world. 

Now admittedly capitalism isn't perfect, but again, I must emphasise it's the only economic model that works, which is why every ten to fifteen years, it asks socialism to bail it out of its latest crisis. Capitalism keeps running out of other people's money, which mysteriously disappears to Panama, and then it requires state intervention to save it from collapse. 

Please note: State intervention to save you from collapse would be a bad thing - the state can only intervene to help rich people.

Capitalism is clearly good for you. For example, it offers the exciting opportunity of homelessness, if you are not an effective enough gravy train for your employer or landlord. 

Homelessness is obviously a completely unavoidable and regrettable outcome of a functioning economy - it's a sad fact that society can't possibly function unless rich people take all the money and poor people are tossed onto the street. No country has ever been able to end homelessness, apart from Finland, which just housed everyone, but we couldn't possibly do that, apart from the time we did, at the start of the pandemic. Thankfully, we later took the sensible step of making everyone homeless again. To save the economy, stupid.

It's important to emphasise the only economic metrics of any relevance are stock market performance, shareholder profits, CEO salaries and landlord earnings. Your living standards do not factor into the equation because you don't matter, you piece of shit!

The problem with people who don't like the sound of the above is they are economically illiterate, even though recent WTO recommendations suggest moving away from neoliberalism and towards social democracy. 

Lefties would bankrupt the country if they got their way, even though we are a monetarily sovereign state and therefore cannot go bankrupt. 

Please don't mention the countries with the healthiest and most balanced budgets are the social democracies of northern Europe. Thankfully, the social democrats in Britain like Sir Keir Starmer and Lisa Nandy actually fucking hate real social democracy, because that would place an emphasis on socialist ideals. Brilliantly, they explained nationalisation doesn't have to mean bringing services back under public ownership. We can just keep services privatised and pretend they are nationalised. 

They literally just rebranded neoliberalism as social democracy. Isn't it brilliant?

As you can see, there is no reason whatsoever to overthrow capitalism because if we get bored, we can simply call it something else and pretend it's a nice thing now. Remember, anyone who disagrees with our bullshit is a "crank" and an "extremist" and we should find an excuse to jail them (national security's always a good one). Thank God the cranks are already banned from schools (apart from all the crank teachers who we're currently scaring into silence). We can't have the kids thinking they can aspire to be better than drones.

I mean seriously, who fancies overthrowing capitalism, even if it means finding a halfway house between socialism and capitalism in the form of social democracy?

Those damn lefties are so uncompromising...

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