Welcome to #ToryBritain where Charities Mustn't Feed Hungry Children and Your Boss Pays Himself 100x More than He Pays You!

Jacob Rees-Mogg was furious today. Absolutely seething. His government have made courageous efforts to starve as many school children as possible this year, but bloody Unicef have stepped into feed them! Can you believe that? 

School children were posing quite the problem for the Tories due to their frustrating resistance to Covid-19, but Rees-Mogg thought he'd found the perfect solution, and then those bastards at Unicef decided to offer food. I'm still shaking with anger...

Rees-Mogg said Unicef should be "ashamed" while speaking from his family's castle in Somerset, sporting his favourite monocle. He explained they were "playing politics" because child hunger obviously doesn't exist in the UK... Okay, it does exist, intentionally, because the Tories want to stuff your money into their offshore bank accounts, but charities shouldn't get in the way of that.

You see, the Tory position is that charity should step in where the market fails, but it's also the Tory position that charities shouldn't do a damn thing. The original plan was actually that charitable organisations could be handy fronts for things like tax write-offs, but let's not talk about that...

Charity was not the only problem the poor Tories have dealt with this week. There was also the problem of the great invasion...

Recent research has shown UK bosses earn on average 100x more than workers, but refugees are definitely the reason you're living off Asda baked beans and can't afford to pay the rent this winter. We can't afford to feed the hungry in the UK, let alone welcome refugees, but you will be pleased to know we can still afford billionaires. The Tories really put the "n" into cuts, don't they?

The Great Replacement is mostly brown people, often Muslims, daring to flee the countries we bombed (when we fancied nicking their resources) and coming here because they want to eat! Who the fuck do they think is going to feed them? Unicef? They seem to think that because we've stolen loads of money off them, we'll share it out over here! Do they have any idea how elitism works? We don't even feed our own people!

I'm hearing pop stars in sub-Saharan Africa are releasing a record to raise money for Britain. Best make sure none of it goes to the kids though.

Anyways, pop records are not important. The real concern is that our people are being replaced by a "Muslim invasion force!" No one has actually explained where the replaced people are being sent to though. My best guess is a secret base on the Moon that receives shipments of Asda baked beans once a year. 

Where was I? 

Oh yes, those hungry bastards are replacing other hungry people who are obviously superior due to having less pigment in their skin. It's a huge concern and one the leader of the opposition listened to very carefully when a lovely white supremacist called Jody phoned in to LBC. So glad Keith didn't challenge her by the way. The far-right were thrilled with his performance. They were boasting about it all over Twitter. These are people who think Johnson isn't right-wing enough as he dumps British citizens on a plane and sends them to Caribbean countries they've never visited. It's lovely the far-right now have representation in Keith though, isn't it? After all, this is what pluralism is all about. Seeing who can win over the most racists.

"I still see myself as a socialist!" LOTO said. Fucking hilarious is wor Keith.

So wor Keith (or Sir as he's known to his subjects) has been fulfilling his duties to the establishment and purging all socialists from Labour while the Tories fight with charities who are stifling their efforts to starve the masses. Good thing too. If socialists ever took charge, we'd have empty food shelves and would be forced to eat our pets like they do in Venezuela, according to billionaire-owned newspapers. Good job things are much better over here under capitalism. And they'll improve even further if we can stop that bastard Marcus Rashford whose mother has been complaining about how she struggled to feed him as a child. Apparently that taught him "empathy" and drove him to help others. Shudder.

But enough of him. We have more important people to focus on like the wonderful Priti Patel who has sadly announced she won't be seeing her family members this Christmas because she's deported them all. Poor Priti. At least she's hot though. Evil as shit, but hot nonetheless. Don't you dare fucking @ me!

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