Sunday, 2 May 2021

Budgeting Advice to Help the Prime Minister Alleviate His Poverty

Britain's beloved and hard working prime minister, Boris Johnson, is reportedly living hand-to-mouth off his £161,866 salary (which is definitely below the living wage). Times are so hard for the prime minister who lives rent-free in the Downing Street palace and has a £30,000 a year decorating budget and expenses covered by the tax payer, that he's been forced to ask Tory donors to pay to redecorate his Downing Street flat and even cover his nanny costs. Just imagine paying childcare for 77 illegitimate children and you will know the difficulty our poor prime minister is facing.

You don't know poverty like Boris Johnson does. Nobody does.

Take a high earner like myself, for example, who has his income topped up by Universal Credit, and has a hole in his kitchen ceiling and no working lights upstairs. Please understand, I have things easy because I'm living off benefits while poor Johnson is struggling by with an annual income which is equivalent to what I would earn in about ten years.

I may not know poverty like Boris Johnson does, but from my wealthy and privileged position, I do have some useful budgeting advice for the prime minister. The kind of tips that would help him get by, if he truly is struggling to pay the bills. Here goes:

1. Buy out of date food from the supermarket clearance shelf. 

If you're poor, your kids simply don't have the right to eat fresh, healthy and nutritious food and should be grateful for anything they can get. If, for example, you see a packet of 50p noodles, remember, they can easily feed a family of 77 for three or four months. If you don't like the sound of that, you can always visit the local foodbank.

2. Work overtime. 

It's simply wrong to expect handouts from others. If you're not earning enough, it means you're not working hard enough, so please ensure you're working evenings and weekends and never actually see your family. Remember, they probably don't want to see you anyway.

3. Links to the above tip - no hiding in fridges. 

If I was your employer and I caught you hiding in a fridge, I wouldn't just dock your pay, I'd bloody well sack you, you skiver! On second thoughts, last time you tried to do your job, 150,000 innocent people died so get back in the fridge, please, for everyone's sake.

4. Ask family members to cover childcare.

I know Stanley is about 100 years old now, but he really should be expected to babysit all 77 of your kids, all day, everyday, completely free of charge. Other families go without a nanny so yours should too. Alternatively, you could ask your children to stop being layabouts and actually get a job. Have you considered bringing back chimney sweeping?

5. Walk the streets, looking for dropped change. 

I used to do this back when I was long-term unemployed. There were a few occasions when I was going over a week without food or money, so I would walk the streets looking for dropped change until I'd found enough to buy a Mars bar. I used to walk miles and my efforts typically worked out at less than 10p an hour (true story), but I didn't complain because I'm a real go-getter. You should be too.

6. Use Gum Tree. 

If you don't like your settee, you can find a bashed up old one that's been pissed on by pets and covered in animal hair for next to nothing. You'll probably have to arrange your own delivery though and that might be tricky if you're skint, but you could maybe ask a friend to help you carry it ten miles through the streets or something.

NOTE: Please ensure that you do not under any circumstances buy a second hand TV which has a "flat screen" because this automatically invalidates any claim to poverty.

7. Recycle everything. 

Those old curtains that have gone a bit mouldy would make a great outfit for little Wilfred. Just give them a good hand-wash, get out the scissors, needle and thread, and put your tailoring skills to the test. Alternatively, you could always ask Jacob Rees-Mogg for some of his old childhood outfits from 1862. Never be too proud to ask.

8. Don't send your kids to private schools. 

Crazy suggestion, I know, but the rest of us already have to do this. Now some careful parenting will be required to ensure little Wilf doesn't pick up swear words from the ruffians or start experimenting with drugs when he's four, but I'm sure you can manage that, even if you are working so many hours, you never actually see him.

9. Keep your dick in your pants. 

Now I would never judge anyone for having children - I have a fourth child on the way, after all - but do you really need to be shagging your secretary behind your wife's back when she has cancer? And do you not think 77 kids to 72 different women is maybe a bit much? I mean the last thing the world needs is mini-Boris Johnsons running around. Please consider a vasectomy and while you're at it, stop spending so much on your mistresses.

10. Stop using a cleaner. 

Now this might seem like sheer madness, but you could always roll your sleeves up, get down on your hands and knees and scrub the floorboards yourselves. You're not afraid of a little hard work, are you?

So these are my pro-tips to alleviate Prime Minister Boris Johnson's abject poverty and help him avoid applying for an IVA or bankruptcy. I'm sure you'll agree my tips have been extremely helpful because it's always good to be condescended by privileged people who are more intelligent than you!

Anyways, what would your tips be?

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