Tuesday, 3 May 2022

Boris Johnson was in Whitley Bay yesterday and honestly I could kick myself because he was just up the road from me and I missed the chance to head along there and call him a massive plonker while he was buying an ice cream from that lovely place in... Teesside.

Yes, Boris Johnson tweeted out that he was visiting Teesside, rather than North Tyneside, managing to insult both Tynesiders and our mortal enemies the Teessiders. Apparently, the prime minister mumbled something about them "all looking the same to me". Bloody cheek.

Now if anyone believes that claptrap about investment and thinks Whitley Bay would be better off under Tory rule, please compare and contrast:

It's no secret I have no love for the current Labour Party, but the Tories, who inexplicably snuck into Whitley Bay council for a while, let our beautiful coastal town descend into a derelict hell hole. If you see Whitley Bay today, it looks really nice again. The famous dome has been overhauled, we have a bunch of new shops and apartments and the promenade has been rebuilt so everything is new and shiny.

It's a known fact that 99% of people in North Tyneside think the prime minister is a massive nobhead, but a handful of people did agree to have their pictures taken with him, and this is to their eternal shame. I have been unable to confirm reports these people were later driven into the sea by their fellow geordies. 

The beach at Whitley Bay is lovely by the way, you should probably visit sometime. We love driving Tories into the sea.

Sadly, Boris Johnson managed to escape Whitley Bay without being driven into the sea (or even being shat on by a seagull) and he headed off to London where he was brutally interviewed by... Susanna Reid.

Johnson looked absolutely terrified as Reid asked him hugely complex and challenging questions such as "Are you honest, Prime Minister?" 

She also asked him this:

It's worth pointing out this lady said she sits on the bus all day to keep warm because she can't afford to put the heating on and the prime minister wants to take credit for allowing her to sit on the bus.

Honestly, the entire interview was such a shambles, anyone would think Johnson was being distracted by a female uncrossing her legs again. It's fair to say Johnson looked rougher than that time he was suffering from fake Covid symptoms and almost died. But whatever you do, do not suggest the prime minister resign. There is a war going on somewhere and we need this man to prevent it from escalating into World War 3. No one else would be more capable of standing up to Putin...

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