Huge congratulations to our 57th prime minister, a hedge fund manager who went to Oxford and is so rich, it would take me about 29,000 years to amass his fortune. He's actually richer than the king as long as you discount Charles' stolen jewel collection.

Huge congratulations to our 57th prime minister, a hedge fund manager who went to Oxford and is so rich, it would take me about 29,000 years to amass his fortune. He's actually richer than the king as long as you discount Charles' stolen jewel collection. This guy is so rich that when he visited Buckingham Palace, he genuinely felt like he was slumming it for the day. Buckingham Palace is the worst council house he's ever visited because it's the only council house he's ever visited.

US President Joe Biden was among the first to congratulate "Rashid Sanook" on becoming prime minister and he explained the UK is among America's closest allies, which is reassuring, I think. Joe Biden actually thought Liz Truss was a fucking idiot which leaves you to wonder what he privately thinks of Rashid Sanook. He openly mocked Truss's economic policies, which is unquestionably one of the best things Joe Biden has ever done. More people should openly mock this mob.

Wait, shouldn't we at least give this guy a chance in the spirit of fair play? 

The four previous Tory prime ministers since 2010 have been unmitigated disasters, but yeah, I'm sure this one will be utterly brilliant. I am ready for Rishi and you should be too. Right now, Sunak is saying all of the right things. For example, he vowed to fix the damage caused by Kwasi Kwarteng as chancellor and the damage caused by his predecessor whose name Sunak has conveniently forgotten.

His speeches might have been delivered in a manner which suggests he came off a conveyor belt in Moscow, the same one that gave us the Trussbot 3000, but what's important is the Rishbot 730M gave us platitudes about "integrity". Really substantive stuff.

Our new prime minister is so committed to integrity, he has given Suella Braverman her job back, six days after she resigned for breaching national security - and he has given Gavin Williamson a job, three years after he was sacked for breaching national security. In a real country, these people would be in jail, but on Normal Island, they simply fail upwards, even when they commit crimes.

One of Sunak's first tasks as prime minister will be to ensure there can be no public inquiries into this lot because they would be in serious trouble. I mean sure, he will let the Privileges Committee maul Boris Johnson, that dickhead can be thrown to the wolves, but if the rest are held accountable, the house of cards will have no cards left.

Let's not forget, Sunak was found to have broken the law for partying while the rest of us couldn't attend funerals, but all he got was a fine equal to 0.00001% of his total wealth. Krishnan Guru-Murthy was given a harsher punishment for correctly describing Steve Baker as a "cunt".

At least Rishi Sunak has instantly dispelled the myth that he is a moderate though. Suella Braverman's reappointment was enough to put that claim to bed forever. A woman whose dream openly and proudly involves the suffering of others can only rise to prominence in a fledgeling fascist state - and fascism is what we're heading towards if this lot stay in power because there is no democratic way they can hold on.

Suella Braverman is the thing monsters from horror movies have nightmares about. Thankfully Cruella is as incompetent as she is chillingly cruel and her dream of putting refugees on a flight to Rwanda is probably not getting off the ground. There are calls for an inquiry into Braverman's recent behaviour, but her allies will attempt to play this down so don't let anyone forget:

And Braverman is not the only one dripping with corruption here. Gavin Williamson is the fireplace salesman who leaked confidential information to Huawei and refused to resign so he was sacked. Yet he was brought back as Education Secretary and decided to let a computer algorithm give lower GCSE results to working-class kids. Williamson has twice been sacked as a cabinet minister and it's a matter of time until he gets sacked for the third time. Downing Street really does have a revolving door now.

And the irony is that Sunak promised to form a government of the talents, rather than those who are close to him; talents like *cough* Thérèse Coffey. Every party needs a good drug dealer, especially with a party animal like Michael Gove around, and Coffey is just the woman for the job.

Just kidding, Coffey is not a drug dealer, she's just the fuckwit who dishes out spare antibiotics to her friends, and Michael Gove is not interested in prescription drugs anyway. Avelox is not going to get anyone off their tits as far as I'm aware. Actually, I'll check with Thérèse, she understands these things much better than I do.

In the spirit of appointing the worst possible person to the least suitable role, anti-LGBT Kemi Badenoch is now Equalities Minister and even James Cleverly is employed in some role or other. This is a man underqualified to wash cars and yet he's somehow working at the heart of government. I could bore you with the rest of Sunak's appointments, but instead, I'll give you a quick tip: none of them are very good.

To be fair, Sunak has the unenviable task of unifying his fractured party while making the economic crisis much worse for working people, but at least he has an overwhelming mandate from 193 Conservative lawmakers. It's just that unfortunately it's one of those mandates where everything he plans to do is something the public does not approve of.

Sunak is the final confirmation that a smiley face and neatly combed hair do not mean a politician intends to do the right thing. Nor does being reasonably polite and knowledgeable. I can't believe I have to type this out, but let's face it, some of you aren't very bright.

One of the problems in this dumb country is that a huge number of people are incapable of seeing politicians as hard-right unless they're OTT cartoon villains. There is not enough understanding of how even pleasant human beings can hold deeply unpleasant political views. Despite his awkwardness on camera, you would probably like Rishi Sunak if you met him personally. There is a good chance he would even like you too, but he will still impose an economic system that will completely fuck you over. Politics is not about niceness on a personal level, it's about the end result.


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