It's my job to make sense of last night so please spare a thought because I don't know what the hell happened and I have a one-year-old wriggling on my lap. Screw it, I'm just going to wing it because everyone is so confused they'll have no idea if the details are right or wrong! This should be fun...

So it all kicked off last night when we heard the upsetting news that everyone's favourite home secretary Cruella Braverman had resigned. Devastating, I know. Braverman's the one who's only been in the job 43 days and she outlasted chancellor Kamikwasi Kwarteng by a whopping five days. This was still one day less than David Blaine managed in the glass box above the Thames, according to one Twitter user. I really can't be arsed to double-check (it's early), but it sounds about right.

Suella, I mean Cruella Braverman is the one who gushingly told reporters she had a dream to see a plane on the front page of the Telegraph, trafficking innocent human beings to Rwanda. Almost inspiring as Martin Luther King's dream, really brings a tear to my eye... She's also the one who was giving herself the power to place an electronic tag on anyone who's ever attended a protest or anyone she suspects will attend a protest.

What could possibly have driven such a fine, upstanding home secretary to resign, you might ask. Was it some principled stand against the recent direction of the government? Well, no actually, it was because she put national security at risk. At first we heard rumours, leading to all kinds of speculation on Twitter: is this treason? Might she go to jail?

Well, it turns out it was all rather tame: she sent a draft of a document to a colleague from her personal email account. She then sent a resignation letter grandstanding about how she was holding herself accountable and complaining about the current shitshow, probably positioning herself for a leadership bid.

So which element of the economy collapsing and people losing their homes do you think upset Cruella? That's right, it was the fact she couldn't illegally traffic people to Rwanda. She'd given £140,000,000 to the Rwanda government last time I checked and this has resulted in zero people trafficking. I'm pretty sure that failure counts as hers.

So anyways, Cruella resigned five days after Kamikwasi Kwarteng was sacked and at this point, we thought things could not possibly get any more farcical. But then Truss installed Grant Shapps as the new home secretary, a man who has previously used fake identities, such as Michael Green when he had a second job as a "multi-million dollar web developer". This led to the internet congratulating "Michael Green" on his promotion.

And while all this was going on, Twitter was exploding with calls for Truss to resign and it seemed surely inevitable, we were just awaiting the announcement. 

A vote on a fracking ban was coming - a motion which was introduced by Labour - and Truss had issued a three-line whip for her party to vote against it. (This basically means that if you defy her, you get the Tory whip removed or at the very least face disciplinary action.) Truss actually called this a vote of confidence in her leadership.

Truss's problem is that her MPs were ready and willing to rebel. A ban on fracking was in her party's last manifesto, it's unpopular with the public and she has no mandate to go ahead with fracking. But her energy company donors really want her to do it and without the support of rich donors, she has nothing. She is their puppet. In other words, she is representing them, not us.

It came time to vote and all kinds of rumours and credible reports from journalists and MPs started flying around Twitter. Tory MPs were asking if this really was a three-line whip in the lobby, others were refusing to enter the chamber to vote. Some were even yelling at 256-year-old Jacob Rees-Mogg to "fuck off". Have they no respect?

Journalists said Tory MPs were getting physically manhandled. One was reportedly dragged out of his seat. Apparently, they were being shouted at and shoved into the chamber and ordered to vote against the fracking ban. One of the MPs accused of this bullying behaviour was deputy prime minister Thérèse Coffey. I've heard reports of video footage so we can establish who is and is not guilty, but I've not seen it yet (I don't think it's been released) so I can't substantiate. 

However, what I can say is this kind of behaviour is against parliamentary rules and I understand any guilty parties could face a lengthy ban. On one level it seems hilarious, but let's be serious, bullying and intimidation to force people to vote a certain way, against your party's own manifesto and the wishes of constituents is disturbing. If these reports are accurate, it's staggering behaviour.

At one point during the night (I can't remember when), Krishnan Guru-Murthy apologised because he was recorded calling Steve Baker a "cunt". Journalists are not actually allowed to accurately describe Tories. Also, Steve Baker suggested that Suella Braverman will be back in January.

Amid all this chaos we were hearing reports the chief whip and her deputy had resigned, leaving us to wonder who the hell was going next. I think it was at this point satirists across the country just gave up and became journalists instead. 

The vote was held on the fracking ban and it failed, even though 40 Tory MPs rebelled and refused to vote against it. Here is where the simulation was truly broken: among those who defied the three-line whip were Kwasi Kwarteng, Nadine Dorries, Theresa May, and breathtakingly, Liz Truss (who technically voted no confidence in herself), as well as the outgoing chief whip, Wendy Morton.

We then started hearing reports that Truss missed the vote because she was chasing Morton through the lobby, pleading with her not to resign and trying to drag her back into the chamber. Obviously, at this point, things could not possibly get more chaotic and it was time for the drama to settle down, right? Wrong!

We were then informed Wendy Morton and her deputy had unresigned themselves. Apparently, they hadn't formally resigned, they had just yelled at Liz Truss in anger that they quit and changed their minds when they'd calmed down. But none of this changes the fact they and the prime minister had defied a three-line whip.

So this morning, Secretary of State for International Development Anne-Marie Trevelyan is saying anyone who defied the whip will be facing appropriate action. Presumably, that means disciplinary action and in order to be consistent, that surely includes the prime minister and the chief whip. The person who is supposed to carry out that disciplinary action? The chief whip.

I give up.

UPDATE: It turns out that after much confusion, Liz Truss did actually vote against the fracking ban. The media had initially reported that Truss abstained because she'd forgotten to swipe her pass, meaning she was incorrectly showing on the abstention list. In other words, the confusion was primarily her fault!

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