Sir Keith Starmer is easily one of the most impressive politicians in the UK. He brushes his hair every day, wears nice designer suits, and tries really hard to never upset Conservatives (with a big "C" or a little "c").
Sir Keith effortlessly performs impossible feats like transforming himself from a socialist into a conservative and then into a centrist in an eye blink. He just has to utter the magic words "Focus group" and voila! we have a totally new man with a totally new set of beliefs. What is especially impressive about Sir Keith is how his views always perfectly align with whatever he thinks the general public want him to think. He is a real conviction politician.
To paraphrase the great Tony Benn, there are two kinds of politician - weather vanes and sign posts, and obviously what the public want is a weather vane.
Take, for example, the Labour leadership contest where Sir Keith was uttering words like "radical" which he wouldn't fucking dare utter now, unless it's to sneer at a Corbyn supporter and tell them how childish they are. Sir Keith even promised to honour the Labour manifesto, yes, that set of leftie policies which gives his upper-middle class base nightmares. And I'm pretty sure he once called himself a socialist, prior to him becoming the nation's number one culler of socialists. What a guy!
Today we are facing one of the most important pieces of legislation in our lifetimes, legislation which threatens the very fabric of what is, let's be honest, an already extremely shit pseudo-democracy, and Sir Keith is flip-flopping all over the place.
The Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts bill (I typed that by memory so probably got it wrong) is that notorious piece of legislation which Screamy Patel wants to force through Parliament to steal your democratic right to peacefully protest. Screamy wants to tell you where you can protest, at what times your protest must start and finish, and how loud any protesters can be. Protests will need Screamy's advance permission, and if anyone so much as picks up a megaphone, or starts chanting, or stays a little beyond their allocated time slot, they could face up to ten years in prison. That's more than a fucking rapist gets!
Screamy also wants to jail people for ten years for defacing statues, but she is yet to clarify whether that includes gammons shagging the statue of Winston Churchill. We can but hope.
Up until Friday, Sir Keith was planning to abstain on this sinister, authoritarian piece of legislation, but now he has flipflopped, I mean magically transformed his principles, after uttering the words "focus group." Now Sir Keith is actually going to vote against the bill and he is acting like he planned to do this all along, prompting his supporters to attack Diane Abbott for her earlier criticisms of the abstain position.
Suddenly Starmerrhoids can see that abstaining would've been stupid, but of course, if Sir Keith did abstain, the same people would defend him to the hilt. Totally. Not. A. Cult.
Looks like Sir Keith changed his mind on abstaining because angry centre-right Blue Ticks realised they'd lose their ability to protest, if ever the Tories planned a train line through their back yard or allowed an Aldi next door to their local Waitrose. Privileged people realised they were losing their voice too, so that's why things had to change.
I mean it's fine when plebs lose their voice. They only use it to ask silly questions like "Why can't I eat for the last three days of every month?" and "Can we have our polar ice caps back, please?"
You will be pleased to know Sir Keith was not elected Labour leader to represent the plebs, which is why he spends 75% of his time purging them from his party. It's important to remember Labour was founded to represent upper-middle class people and gammons, and if you remove the right to protest, you actually silence the two whiniest, most self-entitled and snowflakey demographics in our society. It is for that reason focus groups said "Whoa!" and Rupert Murdoch said, "Okay, Keith, I'll let you do some opposition today, but just this once."
So Sir Keith looks set to actually vote against the Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts bill (again typed by memory), rather than abstain, and you can expect a bit of nasal grandstanding about how much he cares about our democracy. It could, and indeed should, be the perfect opportunity to see Sir Keith soar in the polls, but his shameless opportunism is so painfully transparent, nobody can trust a word that comes from his mouth.
Sir Keith fails to realise the public actually want politicians who believe in something, politicians who understand the complexities of legislation and recognise dangers, even when the majority of people don't. We understand popular opinion can often be dangerous because people are not always privy to the full details and don't have time to pore over them anyways. That's why we elect politicians to do the right thing, even when it's unpopular for them to do so.
Sir Keith is telling us he will only do the right thing when it's politically convenient and that makes him incredibly fucking dangerous. We are looking at the most authoritarian Tory government Britain has possibly ever seen and we deserve real opposition with real substance. We deserve so much better than Sir Keith Starmer and his magical changing principles. We deserve a viable alternative.
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