Labour is proud to announce an exciting breakthrough after successfully cloning its latest MP from Wes Streeting’s toe nail clippings and naming him “Keir” to boost his working class credentials. Don’t you hate it when they do that?
The Wes clone was sent to Oxford University until Labour was confident he could talk and act like a real boy who backs child hunger of his own volition. He then spent one year being groomed by Wes Streeting to behave exactly like Wes Streeting. Clearly, this kid is going to be the career politician everyone who has no friends loves.
Johnny Mercer compared mini-Wes to the Inbetweeners and called him an identikit politician who parrots Labour lines, and oh god, I feel so dirty about agreeing with Johnny Mercer, but he’s absolutely right.
We’re told it’s somehow progressive that a kid with no real world experience was installed as a Labour candidate. We’re told his age makes him the perfect person to represent young people. This is interesting given how disinterested Labour is in listening to the concerns of young people.
But yeah, let’s pretend the hungry kids have representation now. Working class children are delighted they’ve got a 12-year-old representative who thinks starving every third-born child is sensible politics because that’s what he learned in Oxford.
From what I’ve gathered, the 12-year-old’s one political skill is faking puppy dog eyes so you feel guilty about criticising him because he looks so fragile. He’s saying: “I’m just a baby, please don’t be mean to me,” while he’s being ruthless to working class kids, and centrists are lapping this up. It’s fine to treat poor children like they’re sub-human, just don’t criticise mini-Wes whatever you do. He might cry.
The first thing mini-Wes told us after becoming an MP is he supports the two-child welfare cap “one hundred percent.” Not “I reluctantly support it”. Not “I hope we can find an alternative solution”. I support the policy which punishes children who can do nothing to improve their situation one hundred percent. Truly, this is the vision of Keir Hardie.
“As a young person in politics, I really hope to be a representative for the power that young people have to make a difference,” Mather said while refusing to make a difference to hungry kids because he has an £82,000 salary and a lucrative post-politics career to look forward to. The Oxford nerd is totally representing young people in this country and only a bigot would suggest otherwise. I mean who wouldn’t relate to him?
If you find yourself tweeting support for mini-Wes, you need to question whether you’re a real person or one of those bots Starmer programmed to make his non-policies seem popular. Chances are you couldn’t pass the Turing test.
I mean look at the shit the Starmer bots have been saying online:
“Don’t have children if you can’t afford them.”
“It’s ageism and snobbery to criticise him.”
“Your jealousy is showing.”
“What do you want him to do? Go against his leader when he’s only 25?”
Actually, I want him to not support child hunger because supporting child hunger sounds like ageism and snobbery to me, and don’t get me started on the “don’t have children” line, you eugenicist freaks.
“Churchill was twenty-five when he became an MP” was a popular line today and to be fair, it’s a good point. I want my MPs to be like the white supremacist mass-murderer who starved millions to death and blamed his victims for “breeding like rabbits” while he was stealing their food. Come to think of it, Churchill was a pretty apt comparison to the kid Starvers. Perhaps they look to him for inspiration.
My favourite line today, the one that came up again and again went something like this: “What do you think the headlines would be if Labour wanted to abolish the two-child welfare cap?”
I think the headlines would say: “Labour is going to abolish the two-child welfare cap,” which is exactly what I want them to do! I want policies The S*n doesn’t like because The S*n doesn’t like any policy that makes our lives easier.
Are you saying we shouldn’t offer good things in case Rupert Murdoch announces we are offering good things? Are you saying we should be afraid of our own shadow? Are you saying we should not offer anything good in case a psycho billionaire takes objection? Are you saying we should let newspapers who hate us dictate Labour policy? Good grief.
If Rupert Murdoch wants a policy, I don’t, because his interests are diametrically opposed to mine and he’s a sociopath who is only still alive because he drinks a cup of virgin blood every morning. Why would you want Labour to represent 900-year-old sociopaths rather than hungry children? How are you this weird? We are supposed to go into politics to fight these freaks, not capitulate to them. I mean look how easily Starmer crumbled over Ulez and threw Sadiq Khan under a bus.
“If a Labour policy is appearing in Tory leaflets, we’re doing something very wrong,” Starmer insisted, like the government should approve of everything he does. Isn’t he supposed to be leader of the opposition? What does he think opposition means?
Every time the Tories or the newspapers criticise a Labour policy, he’s going to say: “Nope, we can’t have that,” and guess what? They are going to do this with every decent policy so let’s never have a decent policy again. “We can’t make the changes Murdoch approves of unless we win power first.” How inspiring.
Speaking out against child starvation policies is the absolute minimum we should expect of our political representatives. If they can’t do that, they’re no good to the children of this country. I can’t believe I have to explain this.
Sadly, neoliberals have no answer to our problems so they resort to the Tory tactic of divide-and-conquer with their pathetic attempts at identity politics.
We’re expected to believe it’s “snobbery” to deny that privileged twerps understand poverty better than me, a person who was born into poverty.
Neoliberals have zero understanding of class issues and structures of power and will always gravitate towards authority. To them, punching up is worse than punching down because they’re not interested in challenging the status quo. It would be impolite to do that.
What centrists don’t understand is we don’t take objection to Keir Mather because of his age. We take objection to the fact he has no experience of the realities workers face, yet he is now a political representative in a workers’ party. We don’t take objection to Mather because he is educated, we take objection to the fact he was educated by an institution that breeds sociopaths and the first thing he says is he believes in child starvation policies.
The one thing we know about this kid is he’s not going to change anything. He’s offering us the opposite of representation, just like the rest of the neoliberal mob. They’re not even prepared to do the bare minimum. They pissed off the unions yesterday because they wouldn’t support the strengthening of workers’ rights and equality for women - policies that would cost them nothing are still somehow unaffordable.
Labour actually had a good policy to create a single category of worker from day one. This would’ve meant no qualifying period for sick pay, holiday pay and unfair dismissal, but Taj Ali is reporting they’re u-turning again. They’re even discarding the Blairites’ beloved SureStart centres.
Back in the Blair years when I was a homeless teenager, SureStart centres were the one good thing Blair did before he carpet-bombed the middle-east to export his progressive values. Starmer’s lot are Blairites without Blair’s one redeeming idea. I dread to think who they’re planning to carpet bomb, but I reckon Islington North is top of the list.
I’ve hated the Labour right even more than the Tories for a while and I’ve been unable to pin down the precise reason. At first I thought it was how they pretend to be on your side when, in fact, they have no interest in addressing your needs or making a compromise. Then I thought maybe it was the sense of betrayal. But then I realised it was more than that. It was that they would do everything the Tories would do and they would do something the Tories could never do.
When Tories are in charge, as horrible as life is, we always have hope. There is always the hope the opposition can make things better. Hope is something the Tories can never take away from us, but Labour can.
When Labour mimics the Tories, not only do we get everything bad about Tory rule, but we get something harder to cope with: absence of hope. Labour is supposed to represent hope, but right now that hope is dead. Starmer said so himself, he’s not interested in hope and this is why I will never vote for him.
Mini-Wes used to work as a researcher for Mathew Paris, ex-Tory MP, who has just written a glowing puff piece, in his column for whichever right-wing rag he writes, about Mather. I reckon i’m not far wrong in saying that Mather would’ve just as easily become a Tory MP had that opportunity arose first, but in the event there was an opening in the ranks of Starmer’s shit-show first.
100% on those last two paragraphs in particular. This is exactly the way I feel.